Friday, February 26, 2010

sha: my greatest love

I kneed you
Originally uploaded by tamelyn
I went to his house. It was Saturday and I had some time in my hands so I have decided to do what my brothers were doing after he broke his leg. I wanted to bath him.

So, I came into his room and grinned at him. I told him what I wanted to do and he pursed his lips. I knew he loved to be pampered but he pretended he didn't want to. I wish I had nenek's patience and devotion. Nenek used to tell me that he would appreciate her more after she's gone. I guess that statement was true - BOTH of them appreciated each other in their own ways.

I pushed the man on the wheelchair at the back of the house that evening while chatted with him. Well, I was one of the noisiest grandchildren he ever had. Maybe it was because he was the one who raised me up, the topics blurted out easily. He was a chatterbox himself - he commanded this young girl a lot;p

The place where I bathed him was the place he perform his wudu' when I was small. That was the same spot I took bath with my cousins when I was young. I remember being scolded because we played with water until Maghrib. Even when I'm typing this, I'm still smiling to the monitor - remembering the times when he was wearing his army green towel while scowling. He was such a charismatic person whom I adored.

I ran the water on his body and started to scrub. He was talking and I was listening. There were times when I answered his question. He was very focus compared to other men at his age. I remember talking about his scarred knees while soaping them. He talked about how he walked from Singapore to Rembau - the stories of battlefield and my lovable grandmother he left at home that time. I could've never amazed myself with other old man after that. Perhaps it was the Quran he recited every second - he didn't forget a single thing.

After drying him with towels, I pushed the wheelchair back to his room. He changed kain pelekat and I applied some talcum powder on his body. After applying it on his face (and he laughed about it), I had instinctively kissed his forehead. That was the first spontaneous loving gesture I made to him. He kept quiet and he closed his eyes. When they reopened, I knew he didn't want to cry.

I wanted to leave the room after that, but he held my hand. He asked me to sit beside him. He asked,

"Berapa lama lagi kau nak belajar?"

"Satu semester," I answered.

"Lepas tu?"

I replied quitely, "Kerja."

He nodded.

"Kau nak kerja mana?"

"Nak cari kerja kerajaan."

He frowned.

"Dekat mana?"

"Nak cuba dekat pejabat cukai. Tak pon tengoklah...mana-mana yang layak."

He frowned deeply.

He started to talk about my future. I knew he disagreed with my plans. I told him I might be getting offers from banks. But he seemed not to care that much. He asked me to talk to this person and that person about finding job. I objected fiercely.

"Kena usaha sendiri, tuk," I said firmly. Where did I get my stubbornness? HIM.

"Kau boleh cakap dengan orang tu. Kau yang taknak," he sulked.

"Berdikari. Jangan harap pertolongan orang je. Atuk jugak yang cakap jangan amik rezeki orang," I said defensively.

Then he smiled.

"Kerja jangan asek nak cuti. Kalau sakit sikit jangan tak datang. Bolehlah kau cakap omputih ni?"

"Atuk!" I started to make face.

"Belajar. Bukan kau tak jadi Melayu kalau cakap orang putih. Den maghin kojo ngan British buleh cakap omputih. Kau belajar kat sekolah. Mak kau cikgu..." he started to lecture me. I nodded with red face.

"So?!" he asked me.

"Yes, atuk. I will speak in English," I answered sarcastically. I knew he was testing me.

"Be serious," he said.

"Okay." I nodded. That almost 90 year old man's vocabulary was superb. He ate petai almost everyday. His English was fabulous.


That was six years ago. A week after I soaped his knee, I held the same knee for the last time. I was drowning in tears while he took his last breath. He was gone forever.

After jokingly told me that he would leave on Prophet Muhammad's birthday.

It happened.
Allah loved him more than we loved him.

I lost a five years relationship a fortnight ago. I loved the man with all my heart and I thought I could never loved any other man more than I loved him. He left a big hole in my heart and I thought there was no room for me to cry because losing him was too painful to be true.

But I was wrong. Today I realised that there was a man who left a bigger empty-lonely-space in my heart. That man taught me of something called independence and unspoken love. I realised that it was harder to cope with his departure compared to my own boyfriend.

I learned that you were a bigger and greater man than him. I knew that his love towards me for the last five years was nothing compared to the love that you have planted in me throughout my life.

I knew I loved you more. I missed you more. I needed you more.

I learned from your scarred knees that sometimes you fall to get a greater love. The scar proved that you love my grandmother and your children and you didn't mind bleeding to get back to them.

Perhaps, I'm bleeding to get a better love in future.


Here I am...remembering how faithful you were.

I didn't cry when he left.

But even after six years of losing you, I still cry while typing my blog.

I'm still wishing that you see where I am right now, reading my English posting and assuring me that I'm the sweet beautiful keledek who will find love.

I love you.

Al-Fatihah to you.

Siti Nurshahida binti Zamrinor
26th February 2010


Quiyah & Hasrul said...

wah, berair mata aku sha..

sedih.. al-fatihah..

teringat kat arwah atuk ngan nenek aku jugak..

Kujie said...

al fatihah

when someone was gone
the only left are the words
the words taken the life and began to spreading in other people’s mind.

Amieynna Amin said...

adeh.. sedey nye..
skang sy tau y ur english is soo good..

Pocket said...

wished i had the same memory like u did with your grand father,
but there was none,

how i envy u for having such memory,

so your 5 years relationship has ended,
cant wait to hear a new one sis:_)
(Or have i heard? was it... or... hey!!?)

shasha said...

In 12 days I will be walking up the stage to get my scroll for my MBBS degree, insyaAllah. I have 3 tickets. The third would've been for him if he was still around regardless of whether he's wheelchair-bound or walking with a frame.

Once, one of our uncles asked me when I will b done with my degree. He then said, "Your grandpa would've been so proud of you".

I hope wherever he is, he will still be proud of me - the first in the family to become a you-know-what.

The very last time I saw him, I massaged his legs... and I also commented on the scars on his legs, but the ones on his shin, not his knee (they're diabetic-related scars btw). He didnt say anything about it.

We didnt talk much. I was never the chatty grandchild, unlike you. LOL. But he told me to study hard. I promised him that I will get good results and I will get into an Australian university and I will eventually become a you-know-what. He also left me another advice (which totally makes sense now that so many ppl have hurt me).

Before I left, I shook his hand and kissed it, and he held it for a long time. I knew then that it wouldn't be long.

But hey, grandpa braved through a hip replacement surgery and went through physio and was able to walk for a bit at NINETY years old ok????!!!???? that's a mean feat. my grandpa is awesome possum compared to all the other elderly ppl i see in the wards. well, of course we had to motivate him and mom had to threaten him a bit ("apo garang sangat dokek doctor tu? kalau orang lain buek dokek cucu apak macam tu, apak suko ko?").

although initially i was holding back tears at the start, now i am smiling remembering the funny times... atok bought me roti canai for breakfast without fail every time i came back. patut la den gomok dulu. hahahaha. and remember those extra money we got 'in secret'? "nanti atok bagi yang lain dokek belakang".

p/s: atok kita pun realised the importance of english. and he's an orang kampung some more. orang lain yg cakap kalau cakap english tu will make u less malay, lupa roots la apa la... shld probably LEARN a lesson from this.

iza~de~bintang said...

Sedihnya cerita ni.. untung Sha ada memori begitu untuk dikenang. Iza tak bernasib baik, kedua2 atuk pergi waktu Iza masih kecil. Iza tak ingat wajah mereka. Nenek sebelah abah pun sama. Cuma nenek sebelah mak pergi masa tingkatan 2.

Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat.

ashie023 said...

al fatihah..

semoga ruh nye dicucuri rahmat..

*no wonder..
org tua2 pun dolu terer jugak BI sebab dier nak cakap ngan mat salih..

lupekanje said...

Al your dearest atok..
Sad memory but its worth to keep in mind all the time, to be shared with others...I wish that I hv atok like yours too..but he's gone when I was just 7. I remembered nothing about him...

Cik Biol said...

aku mau fluent juga :)

Anonymous said...


♥LOVE2COOK♥ said...

Atuk is still living within U, Sha.

Yunus Badawi said...

al fatihah utknya. sedih kan kalau mengenang org tersayang yg telah pergi selamanya?

Saya tak berpeluang melihat datuk saya baik sebelah emak apatah lagi sebelah bapa. Mereka telah pergi sebelum saya lahir lagi.

Cik Qemm said...


hmm bace entry ni buat qemmal terkenang pada nenek yg pergi bulan lepas. Allah lg syg diorg, sebab tu diorg pergi cepat.

adik qemmal ade ckp, nenek pesan pada dia, supaya blaja rajin2 smpi masuk U mcm qemmal. Now alhamdulillah baru habis my degree, tp nenek tak smpt nk tgk. I bet she's observing me from far.

anyway, hope diorg ditempatkan di tmpt org2 yg beriman.


p/s:sure, grandpa kak sha bangga dgn kak sha :D

Kak Long Mawar Merah said...

Semoga rohnya sentiasa dicucuri rahmat.
Kenangan dan kasih sayang pada insan yang mengajar kita erti kehidupan akan tetap bersemadi di jiwa biarpun dia telah tiada.

Dee said...

Al Fatihah..reading this reminds me of my 'abah' whom is actually my grandfather..Al Fatihah for him too..

hasni said...

sdeynya entry ni
berkaca mata hasni baca;-(
bestkan kalu ada atuk
atleast akak ada peluang bersama atuk

Merissa K. said...

alahai, comel nya la hai atuk u!

N A N I E said...