Monday, April 12, 2010

sha: i want to hold your hand

Revenge. I learned about the truest meaning of that word last Friday. That was the day when Sepet picked me up from work. Then he had his dinner in Kampung Baru with me. He was having a fever and high blood pressure yet he decided that would be the best day to eat lamb chop and met and ex-girlfriend. Hehe. Crazy guy.

Since when did he failed to intrigue me with his stubbornness?

But what a minute, what was Sepet doing with me? I told you that we broke up, right?

But then again, as my blog reader, or as my friend, you know I won't hold any grudges on him. Regardless how angry I was with him when it came to our relationship - I will still regard him as someone I used to love. That love should at least make me sane in providing comments on our relationship. I won't talk bad about the people I love;)

So, as both of us were being patient about the traffic, we talked about what happened to us. It has been five years and we ended up choosing different path. Why? In the end, it was all about revenge.

Me: Sha takkan marah, takkan dendam.
Sepet: Me too.
Me: So, we agree to call it off tonight, kay?
Sepet: (silent)
Me: Awak...?
Sepet: Okay.
Me: Kalau you kahwin, you mesti cakap ngan I.
Sepet: *sigh*
Me: Kalau I kahwin dengan orang lain, will you come?
Sepet: You takkan kahwin dengan orang lain.
Me: Oh...come on!
Sepet: As far as that is concerned, I know you won't.
Sepet: (chuckled). You love me.
Me: I was.
Sepet: You still are.
Me: You have to let me go.
Sepet: I am.
Me: Then why are you still holding my hand?

Both of us looked at our joined hands silently. Habit. We have to let it go.

"Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand..."

Me: Dahlah tu...okay...? (said that very...very...softly)
Sepet: Okay...
Me: Kalau ada dosa Sha...
Sepet: Memang banyak! (he countered while smiling)
Me: Soriiii...(I looked into his eyes while I said that)
Sepet: The fault was on my side, Sha.
Me: Tau takpe. (I grinned but my chest felt the pain)
Sepet: No revenge?
Me: Tak.
Sepet: Sure?
Me: Tak.
Sepet: Tak sure?
Me: Ntahlah. *sigh*
Sepet: You're still angry. I know.

"Oh, please, say to me
You'll let me be your girl
and please, say to me..."

Me: We have gone through so many phases of goodbyes.
Sepet: But after few companions, we'll come back to each other.
Me: Now, that is YOUR statement. Not mine.
Sepet: Because I will always come back to you. I tak boleh dengan orang lain.
Me: (in my heart I was saying, "same goes here...")

"And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide..."

Sepet: You made me a happy man when I was with you...
Me: But it's not strong enough for us to make plans?
Sepet: Kalau kita kahwin...
Me: Kalau?
Sepet: Shaaaa....!!!
Me: The problem with us - we say "what ifs"...but we don't say "we are going to"
Sepet: (silent)
Me: Even if you want to, you'll have to ask yourself several times. In the end, you'll realise that marrying me is not what you want.
Sepet: (silent)
Me: Our love is not going anywhere, my love...

"Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand..."

Sepet: We were very confident with our future before.
Me: Unfortunately shit happened and we couldn't go back to where we were before.
Sepet: I taknak u benci I.
Me: Did that. It didn't work, sadly.
Sepet: Did that too.
Me: And?
Sepet: Didn't work either.
Me: And since we have no future...let's just say love is gone, no hate and the feeling is neutral?
Sepet: Okay...
Me: And why the hell are you still holding my hand?

"And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide..."

Sepet: This is a goodbye then?
Me: Will you stop contacting me?
Sepet: No.
Me: Will you hate me for saying goodbye tonight?
Sepet: No.
Me: No revenge?
Sepet: Not to you. No.
Me: Your last word?
Sepet: I love you.
Me: Tolonglah!!!!
Sepet: I do. So please stop saying that I just want to play with you.
Me: You are!
Sepet: No.
Me: Five years...and lepas tu u kata taknak kahwin. What is that?
Sepet: That is my fault. Tapi I sayang u. And that's a fact.
Me: Go to hell.
Sepet: Already here.
Me: Bye. I won't hate you.
Sepet: Bye. I will always love you.
Me: *sigh deeply*
Sepet: I'm sorry.
Me: No revenge. No grudges. Go...please?
Sepet: Bye, Sha.

I went out of the car without looking back.

Bye, Sepet.

2.00 a.m, 9th April 2010. I got my proper good bye.

Sha is officially single. Again.

* song: I Want To Hold Your Hand - The Beatles


Adry said...

Hermmm u should start find someone new... ingatkan lagu maher zain... Hold My Hand.. hehe

Adry @

Yunus Badawi said...

Begitu tragis. Tiada jalan kembali ke? If your answer is affirmative, then time to look for someone new. Hope you find one soon.

ashie023 said...

who is Sepet anyway?ah..nevermind..hehe..

i love that song too..the beatles/..wanna hold ur hand.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm , teringat pada seseorang dulu, hehehe...

Sha... jangan jadi kerak lama sangat. Kang susah nak lembut lak!

hasni said...

mcm kisah novel plak
kak sha ni cool lah!
love u kak
mg bahagia milik akak

aBoi said...

just go with the flow..

Dee said...

eventually, dia akan lupakan sha..don't worry..nti sha pun akan ada kalo leh jd kawan..lg best kan..kalo xleh pun xpe..

purple said...

owhh... so touching. sad but beautiful.
i wish i could write like u.

~Kak AZZ~ said...

The END....

So, lps ni jgn sedih2 lg... Akan ada penggantinya... Insyaallah... sabar ya...

Othman Juliana said...

same case here dear~ the thing is, dia dah kawen & still looking for me (well, looking & searching for me since last two years). Kacau. We never have any proper good bye & now, everything is so confuse. Ok, penat & I know we need to let it go. Maybe I need to find someone to make things easier. Maybe. Argh, KUSUT!