I was working my butt out yesterday - and that was one of the reasons of why this blog has not been updated. Talk about exhaustion. My brain wanted to explode, my heart was broken into pieces and my self esteem nearly went down the drain. My judgment - allow me to explain, was purely on work and I hated tiny, mini, ridiculous stuff. So, femininism did not work out fine. At the time when I was doing work and catching dateline, I was G.E.N.D.E.R.L.E.S.S.
Sha was neither a man nor a woman when she was at work. I've made that decision long time ago when I realised that regardless I was a woman or a man, the degree of inconsideration was intolerable. I have been forced to work like a bull by a former employer who did not even think of my safety and health. No one ever considered the 0 value in the record of number of MCs taken. And who would have cared if I was alone in the office?
The potential of me being stab, burn and kill like the late Sosilawati was never in their mind. The probability of me being raped like the late Suzaily (and thank God that the bus driver was punished!) was not possible.
Perhaps, in certain people's mind, the meaning of being a woman means being beautiful. When you are fat, dark and ugly - that won't make you a woman at all. So, there is no way a man would be turned on by your look. In other words, man won't rape or kill a fat lady. Oh, come on! Let's be realistic that women's assets are standard. In the drama Nip and Tuck, the doctor covered a lady's head with a paper bag before they had sex so that he just looked at that particular part instead of her face.
To my amusement, I was not allowed to fall for anyone at work. My former boss used to say this, "We must be as pure and as white as cotton." And I was wondering whether falling in love was a sin. My relationship with Sepet started in the office - so was it a sin too? The moment there were gossips, I was bombarded with questions and unscruplous statements. My boss at that time started to think that I was unreliable - since I met my boyfriend at work place. "There is a chance for the history to repeat," he said.
So, there I was, putting a poker face whenever my staffs were saying, "Cik Sha cantik hari ini!"
I could never be a lady who blushed whenever someone complimented me. Perhaps, it was not that difficult at all. Being the only girl in the family has taught me to be just who I am today. I blushed, and my brothers would scowl at me. I laughed loudly - they would look at me differently. So, stop being someone that they wouldn't want me to be. Besides, being a shy girl was never me.
So, I changed my job. Wishing that I could have a gender.
But, no. I'm still the same Sha. Perhaps, that lead to the fact that NOBODY ever treat me like a woman. The long stupid history of being genderless at work caused me to act like MYSELF. Regardless..
...there were times when they forgot that the nasty jokes made me embarassed.
...there were times when physical interference made me uncomfortable.
...there were times when they forgot that I don't have that much endurance as much as they do. I need sleep, I need rest and I need a date! And I got PMS too!
Like yesterday, when I was like an idiot - running and enduring the torture of last minute decisions. I had to be brave. I had to be independent. I had to be smart. That was the requirement. And fortunately, that was who I wanted to be.
Unfortunately, others didn't have to be like that. Others could just smile shyly over their mistakes. The squid woman could just forgot about her task and linger around - disrupting the time when I was supposed to ask for referrals. One could just say that she didn't know.
And this genderless person should just resolve everything.
That hurt - and after quite sometime Sha was thinking whether what she did was worth it. Because in the end she found out that nothing was ever been taken into appreciation. AT ALL!!!
So, on the way back, when she was carrying her CLEO magazine (a woman's mag) and asked a colleague about the last minute tidbits, she was furious:
"Huiiiyooo...." was the reaction when they saw Kim Kardashian as the mag cover.
They got distracted. They got blind. They became...less smarter. Less charismatic.
And I had...
...this pissed off feelings knowing that I worked like hell just to know in the end I couldn't obtain a simple scribble on the parchment of my blood and sweat. I just wanted that damn signature!
...this unhappy feeling of disrespect.
...an uncontrollable urge of expressing my anger. TANTRUM!
...tore up the front page of my Cleo mag and tossed it to the macho men. There..take it! Take that woman! Sha can't afford to make mistakes. Sha have to be genderless. Sha...always hide her infatuation to ANYONE! For the love of her work, Sha was burning up!
Because she just couldn't take it when someone said,
"Sha is looking at Kim Kardashian from a girl's point of view."
Really? What happened to the times when she has been treated as someone GENDERLESS?!!!
So, Sha was saying,
"Ambik muka Kim K nieh, rebus, buat minum macam teh. Mana tau kenyang pulak. I don't like a stupid woman. Tapi kalau kenyang tengok muka dia, just take this!"
...brainless beautiful woman is always forgivable.
But not the genderless Sha.
I'm in the "merajuk membawa diri" mode. Over a big-breasted woman like Kim K.
My dear hati,
Pujuklah diri sendiri.