Monday, December 20, 2010

sha: frosted chrysanthemum 2

Originally uploaded by monteregina

Everytime you commit one more mistake

You feel you can’t repent
And that its way too late
Your’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame
Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
-Insha Allah by Maher Zain

"Ya Allah, permudahkan kisah cintaku..."

Tawakkal. That was all I could do after series of failure in my love life. Up to the point when I knew that there was no future between me and Sepet, I devoted myself to the love of my life: MY WORK. I knew for a fact that life was not always all about marriage and having kids like other people. Your destiny was determined by God; the only thing you could do was to work hard for it and pray.

If it was not meant to be, it was not meant to be...for me.

Rewind. When I walked out of my room that day, I was looking to the left - wishing that I could have some strength from the person I used to respect. He was looking at me with murderous eyes - his stare was accusing and full of hatred. I knew there was no way I could ask for his brotherly advice. No way.

Clearly, the argument we had few weeks before had affected the way we communicated.

The dam in my eyes nearly broke. I remember the times when he used to tell me that I could find love. I recalled the times when he argued that I was not always right. My forehead frowned when I was hoping for a sign - a nod, a smile or at least a twinkle in his eyes. Instead, I only received a scowl. That was not something I wished from a big brother. Not when I was desperately in need of one.

My shoulders dropped with frustration. My lips muttered, "There goes my history in love..." And I walked away. No more hope. He was The Boss. What was I expecting by the way?

* * * * *

So, I was sitting in front of The History - Mr. Sepet. We were there - in the same meeting room he sent me almost twelve months ago. On that rainy day, he hurt me when he broke the news about Phuket. I remember the feeling of frustration I felt that day. I was never there when he wanted to make any decision. I just had to accept.

I knew it was a family vacation. I knew I didn't have the right to interfere. But I needed to know where things were standing. I desperately wanted to feel like something important in his life. But his action was showing the contradict. So, in the same room, when The Boss offered me the job, I promised myself not to rely on him anymore. I was hurt - but I was still in love.

That was twelve months ago. I was so sure about my feelings, I was not scared of anything. How about now? Twelve months have passed - there were changes, there were developments and there were downfall. Is the love still there?

He started with...

"I know what I did was wrong. Mesti masa tu your parents pun dengar apa yang jadi between us..."

I was just staring ahead.

"I come here to ask for your forgiveness. I want to ask for your hand..." he was being too calm. Sharks.

Google. Type - heart. No results found. Where was my heart?

No.

Google. Type - head. 1,000,000 results found.

Result 1: Are you stupid, Sha? He hurt you, fool!
Result 2: Jangan jilat ludah sendiri, will you?
Result 3: This happened several times already, Sha...
Result 4: Sha...maybe this is what you have been praying for?
Result 5: Apasal keras hati sangat ni, Sha? Marah sampai tak maafkan orang?

Heart vs. Head.

And I'm still praying, "Mudahkan kisah cintaku, Ya Allah. Aku lemah dalam membuat keputusan. Dan aku takut untuk salah..."

Why can't I have a simple love life?
Was there a sign that I have not noticed?

4 comments:

kakchik said...

salam sha. sedih kakchik baca tulisan sha hari ni. dah la kakchik tengah sedih suami tak sihat. insyaallah kalau yg itu tak berjaya, pasti jodoh sha dengan org lain yg lebih baik. jangan terus sedih, be positive. kalau Allah tak izinkan skrg, itu tandanya Dia sayang kat sha. Dia masih nak uji sejauh mana sha ingat kat Dia.

Šĥű© said...

(T_T)
Shu tak ada nak tawarkan apa-apa tapi ada bahu untuk Sha tumpang menangis, dan boleh sama-sama menangis ye...

Dee said...

istikharah sha..that is the best answer..

cikpepel said...

jwpn kakdee terbaek~


google.type heart. no results found.. -mungkinkah hati tu msih bsama beliau.. atau 'beliau'...hehe..

amek masa..uji kesungguhan dia...mana tau dia yg terbaek yg dikirimkan untuk kamo.. dia yg kamu perlukan walopun bukan dia yg masih kamu mahukan~~~