Wednesday, December 08, 2010

sha: a letter to my mentor

Dear Mr. Fabulous,

This is not a resignation letter; if you are expecting one. And this is not a blog posting about love, either. No dissatisfaction will be stated here; maybe a little - surely, but this is mostly about you. At the time when I'm writing this, the clock is ticking to 12 a.m. And I'm posting this in my blog on 8th November 2010 at 10.00 a.m - just to remember what happened eleven months ago.

We met exactly at 10 a.m on 8th January 2010. That was the day when the cloud was grey. I wore a grey tudung to match the black baju kurung. And my mood was grey too. My beloved boyfriend said he wanted to go Phuket; and he told me just few hours before he departed. I felt unimportant, so I prayed never to fail in anything again.

I didn't know how my judgment was on that day, but your face was too familiar. I shook the ideas in my head when I saw your red shirt and the rings on your fingers. I chased the fear to trust - for I had theories about how to judge a guy by his looks and gestures. I reminded myself to be less judgmental though experience had taught me too well about life and people. You looked too casual but not relaxed; I was trying to read you hidden agendas.

Yes, I had the trust issues the first time I saw you. That was the reason why I made a choice which did not involved you. But we were talking for more than an hour before I told myself that I admired your spirit. I remember saying no several times; but you managed to coax me into changing my mind. Your skill in persuasion was not that good, honestly, but your effort had lured me. I was impressed with that; so I made a decision to reward the effort. Put aside the uncertainty I felt towards you; you were clearly was not the give up type. Three hours of talking - and I chose you.

The third day - I was depressed with you. I didn't know whether I should rely or should be on my own. Sometimes I thought you wanted to know everything. Several times I knocked my own head and tried to make it my way. In the end, my expectation was true. The moment I saw you frowning with a red face, I knew that things weren't supposed to be difficult for you. The time when you said, "Apa yang susah sangat?" I left with a hole in my heart. "I shouldn't expect anything from anyone," I told myself.

There I was, cried in the cab and wished for miracle to happen. My hands shook with fear as I held the last RM10 in my hand; knowing that was my ticket to go home. But I needed that to perform; so with my ego went into the drain - for the first time in my life, I called my younger brother for help. He replaced my ticket money with his - and the taxi driver was too kind not to overcharge me that day. Apparently, he saw me withdrew that RM10 from the machine before I passed it to him.

An hour later when I saw you, my tears had dried. For record, I didn't even claim the amount that I used for my taxi ride that day. I thought, "Let my difficulties be a secret. At least to him." (but of course, I'm telling you today).

You were good. Too good for me to look up on you. And I was impressed. But you changed your mood too easily; so I've decided not to be close to you to reduce the heat. You see, I was the temperemental type. Being close to someone like you would only make me lose my temper and that was not good to the business. It was even worse when I was contemplating about my partner - especially when he was complaining about the time that I didn't spent with him. He was my life; but you gave me light - who was my choice?

You knew better.

We both knew that I had a secret to keep. And that made me pressured as time passed by - knowing that I have to work hard to keep everyone's reputation. It hurt me when I made mistakes but you always seemed to know how to put the pressure away. Obviously I won't tell you how much I like to hear you sing. In my opinion, certain things were better left unsaid.

I hated you for giving me too much space to be independent and for not being there for me when I wanted to make decision. You told me that everything was for my own good - as I needed to think big and learned to make plans. I agreed with you - half-heartedly. Indeed, I had to develop myself. But words like, "I don't know and I don't care," from you? Well...maybe I should won Olympics for winning the Swallow Tears competition.

I learned that well when I came back from Secret Recipe one day. I knew you were in love and I was not aware that you won't be around. I was so stupid - I thought I could settle things with you when I came back. But you were not there. So, I went to KLCC - cried and wrote a letter to the building. A stupid reaction, wasn't it? I cried when I couldn't get angry anymore. Those were the days when you were losing your focus. And I told myself again," I shouldn't expect anything from anyone."

Truth is, I had badly wanted support. There were times when I fell into the drain because I needed to make it on my own. Not to mention that when I thought that I was the only one who was not getting any from you. Jealousy? Maybe. Dissappointment? Definitely. One fine day in May, I cried my heart out at the petrol station. A colleague of mine brought me out as I couldn't hide my sobs. That was the day when I thought I tasted betrayal ever since I knew you.

She knew that I couldn't handled the figures for the first time. I was keeping it silent; knowing that the figure was your call and not mine. When I came back after crying, you asked me why. And I said, "Tak ada apa-apa."

But mum thought me about perseverance and acceptance - "Sometimes rezeki orang tak sama dengan rezeki kita." So I adhere to the fact that the cause of the despair I felt was not my call. Rezeki itu kerja Allah. Then you made a comment, "Sorang pun you tak boleh jaga ada hati nak jaga yang lain!!!" I cried again. And I asked myself several times whether I fail in detecting and appreciating love and affection like others? Do you know that the affection towards you had caused me predicament after another? Do you know that it was hard to carry the burden after you smiled to girl?

They were infatuated with you and I was in the middle. But I got the blame for not being able to control the infatuation? I was the one to be blamed when she wrote your name in her Facebook? That was the time when you taught me about stress. I learned that very well. Thanks.

For some reason I felt at home when I was with you. Where everything was my responsibility. When there was no one at all to tell me what to do and I had to bear the consequences of the decisions I made. I felt down at that time. You didn't even want to notice that. I gave you hint you ignored. I printed some things and expected you to read but you didn't do that. So, I gave up and I cried a lot. Why can't you treat me like others? Just because I'm ugly? Do you know how hurt I was when I learned that you called me fat and short. They made fun out of it - at the time when I was trying to earn some respect.

Sigh. Again, it's your call. You have the power to influence, of course.

Well, after all said and done, you might be wondering about how do I feel about this. Speaking truth this time: I love you. Woooo...don't throw this yet! You are not making sense if you do that. Honestly, I'm hurting someone who loves me if he reads this. As I said, effort does counts so just imagine about his feelings when he reads this at the time when he is trying to win my heart. I am not cruel, even though you always thought that is who I am.

Silly!!! I love you as someone who listened (when you feel like listening, of course), motivated and taught me. Like an elder brother I never had. Someone I thought I could respect and respect me back. That was the reason why I did almost everything for you. I put you in front of everything to perform the duty which has been entrusted to me. Remember the day you sent me back to Seremban and you asked me why did I stayed in a relationship too long? I said,

"I will be loyal to the one."

Loyalty. Trust. I believed in that. And that was my weaknesses and always will be. Maybe, you will take advantage of like anyone who have taken advantages of me before, but that was just me. You used to ask me how did I react to betrayal. Have you ever thought about seeing what I have done to counter it back?

I stayed loyal. Though it hurt me like hell. Take my life relationship as the prove.

The truth is, I grow with you. Literally and spiritually. I gained weight a lot ever since I got to know you. For some reason, seeing you eating make me crave for food. Hehe. Especially the chocolate bread I used to buy last time. Same goes to the things that I have learned. One thing for sure, I learned about knowing what I want. How to decide in life when everything seems so bleak. You used to say, you always get what you wish. How I wish to be like you.

When I confronted you last week, I was just being myself. I'm sorry if the reality hurts you. I'm sorry if things are not in favour for you right now. I'm sorry if I'm not your favourite. I'm sorry for not being pretty. And I'm sorry for not being the person you wanted to be. Trust me that whatever happens now is torturing me. Maybe I knew too much. Maybe I was just being scared. After all the weaknesses that you have seen, I think you're prepared to learn more about my stupidity.

Today, I have decided to give you 2 things. Take this as a personal gift - from someone who looks highly upon you. This is not a bribe - this was my wish. I knew the day would come for me to give this to you - and I'm doing it now. I'm giving you my one of favourite books - the one I talked to you about. My most favourite has been given to the girl who we celebrated her birthday in Aseana few months ago. That was how much I valued a person in life, though you might think that she had no value for me. You were the one who taught me how to separate between play hard and work hard remember?

I know you're not the reading type, but I hope one day you will decide to read. The second thing I'm giving to you is a CD of the story I told you about. Where the soundtrack plays the role and the story reminds me of you. Check out the single seats in the story - I hope one day I will be invited to your important day! But mind you, you need to invite the person whom I sent my regards through you before this. Because someone here is very...very...interested:P

Thanks...for being my mentor (though you didn't want it) and Happy Birthday.

* No actual names mentioned in the posting.

Yours sincerely,
---Sha 007---

2 comments:

mier@merr said...

bezday shaye tak wish pun...huuu~

Dee said...

pjgnya surat...