Friday, February 26, 2010

sha: my greatest love


I kneed you
Originally uploaded by tamelyn
I went to his house. It was Saturday and I had some time in my hands so I have decided to do what my brothers were doing after he broke his leg. I wanted to bath him.

So, I came into his room and grinned at him. I told him what I wanted to do and he pursed his lips. I knew he loved to be pampered but he pretended he didn't want to. I wish I had nenek's patience and devotion. Nenek used to tell me that he would appreciate her more after she's gone. I guess that statement was true - BOTH of them appreciated each other in their own ways.

I pushed the man on the wheelchair at the back of the house that evening while chatted with him. Well, I was one of the noisiest grandchildren he ever had. Maybe it was because he was the one who raised me up, the topics blurted out easily. He was a chatterbox himself - he commanded this young girl a lot;p


The place where I bathed him was the place he perform his wudu' when I was small. That was the same spot I took bath with my cousins when I was young. I remember being scolded because we played with water until Maghrib. Even when I'm typing this, I'm still smiling to the monitor - remembering the times when he was wearing his army green towel while scowling. He was such a charismatic person whom I adored.

I ran the water on his body and started to scrub. He was talking and I was listening. There were times when I answered his question. He was very focus compared to other men at his age. I remember talking about his scarred knees while soaping them. He talked about how he walked from Singapore to Rembau - the stories of battlefield and my lovable grandmother he left at home that time. I could've never amazed myself with other old man after that. Perhaps it was the Quran he recited every second - he didn't forget a single thing.

After drying him with towels, I pushed the wheelchair back to his room. He changed kain pelekat and I applied some talcum powder on his body. After applying it on his face (and he laughed about it), I had instinctively kissed his forehead. That was the first spontaneous loving gesture I made to him. He kept quiet and he closed his eyes. When they reopened, I knew he didn't want to cry.

I wanted to leave the room after that, but he held my hand. He asked me to sit beside him. He asked,

"Berapa lama lagi kau nak belajar?"

"Satu semester," I answered.

"Lepas tu?"

I replied quitely, "Kerja."

He nodded.

"Kau nak kerja mana?"

"Nak cari kerja kerajaan."

He frowned.

"Dekat mana?"

"Nak cuba dekat pejabat cukai. Tak pon tengoklah...mana-mana yang layak."

He frowned deeply.

He started to talk about my future. I knew he disagreed with my plans. I told him I might be getting offers from banks. But he seemed not to care that much. He asked me to talk to this person and that person about finding job. I objected fiercely.

"Kena usaha sendiri, tuk," I said firmly. Where did I get my stubbornness? HIM.

"Kau boleh cakap dengan orang tu. Kau yang taknak," he sulked.

"Berdikari. Jangan harap pertolongan orang je. Atuk jugak yang cakap jangan amik rezeki orang," I said defensively.

Then he smiled.

"Kerja jangan asek nak cuti. Kalau sakit sikit jangan tak datang. Bolehlah kau cakap omputih ni?"

"Atuk!" I started to make face.

"Belajar. Bukan kau tak jadi Melayu kalau cakap orang putih. Den maghin kojo ngan British buleh cakap omputih. Kau belajar kat sekolah. Mak kau cikgu..." he started to lecture me. I nodded with red face.

"So?!" he asked me.

"Yes, atuk. I will speak in English," I answered sarcastically. I knew he was testing me.

"Be serious," he said.

"Okay." I nodded. That almost 90 year old man's vocabulary was superb. He ate petai almost everyday. His English was fabulous.

*********************************************************************************************

That was six years ago. A week after I soaped his knee, I held the same knee for the last time. I was drowning in tears while he took his last breath. He was gone forever.

After jokingly told me that he would leave on Prophet Muhammad's birthday.

It happened.
Allah loved him more than we loved him.

Atuk,
I lost a five years relationship a fortnight ago. I loved the man with all my heart and I thought I could never loved any other man more than I loved him. He left a big hole in my heart and I thought there was no room for me to cry because losing him was too painful to be true.

But I was wrong. Today I realised that there was a man who left a bigger empty-lonely-space in my heart. That man taught me of something called independence and unspoken love. I realised that it was harder to cope with his departure compared to my own boyfriend.

I learned that you were a bigger and greater man than him. I knew that his love towards me for the last five years was nothing compared to the love that you have planted in me throughout my life.

I knew I loved you more. I missed you more. I needed you more.

I learned from your scarred knees that sometimes you fall to get a greater love. The scar proved that you love my grandmother and your children and you didn't mind bleeding to get back to them.

Perhaps, I'm bleeding to get a better love in future.

Insya-Allah.

Here I am...remembering how faithful you were.

I didn't cry when he left.

But even after six years of losing you, I still cry while typing my blog.

I'm still wishing that you see where I am right now, reading my English posting and assuring me that I'm the sweet beautiful keledek who will find love.

I love you.

Al-Fatihah to you.

Love,
Siti Nurshahida binti Zamrinor
26th February 2010

Friday, February 19, 2010

sha: bill and giuliana

As I was cracking my head with figures in front of me last weekend, I took the pleasure of watching Guiliana and Bill on E! channel. Bill Rancic was my favourite in The Apperantice Season 1. My ibu knew about it, so she switched the channel to make that program took my mind off work for a while. I guess my sweet mother is tired of seeing me focusing too much on "the love of my life" so she let me drowned in the memory of adoring Bill Rancic when I was young:P

Yes, before Jack Bass from Gossip Girl came into the picture, I was into Bill Rancic. I used to sit in front of the tv, "designing" the Malaysian version of Bill Rancic in my mind. Unlike Jack Bass, he was not fictional. But he was a sample for me to find my dream guy. Kononnyelah!

On the other hand, Guiliana Defandi or Mrs. Guiliana Racic was someone I wanted to be. I mean, I can never change my looks to be as skinny and as gorgeous as she is. But I do wish that I have her confidence and tongue! Inter-personal skill is something I hope I can improve from one day to another.

I have always wanted to be in the creative industry. That's right, fwens. This girl named Sha used to dream about doing research and writing facts for programs like Money Matters or The Brand. Unfortunately, in such industry, there will always be competition and better talent. Perhaps that is also a reason to adore Guiliana Rancic. She is in the industry and she stays there. Ambition remains-I wish I can pursue mine someday:)

Bill and Guiliana - a combination which I found unexpected but intresting.

When Jessica and Nick appeared in the Newlyweds, I didn't pay attention at all. I mean, besides some moderately nice songs from both of them, I found that the couple was over-exposed. So, it was not a matter to me at all when they got divorced. And when Britney and Kevin appeared in their own show, I felt so sick of seeing Kevin pretended to be a macho guy. I suspected that the relationship won't last. And yes, it didn't.

So, what was so special about Bill and Guiliana?

The differences between them.

Bill is someone smart, logical and organised. Guiliana on the other hand is someone with creative mind who knows about intresting stuff that Bill doesn't. I loved to watch the part when they wanted to find something they both like. Bill is a Chicagoan and Guiliana is from LA. Their origins are different. So, what Bill likes is not necessarily what Guiliana likes and vice versa.

They tried hiking, surfing, golfing and so many interesting stuff to do as a couple. They argued most of the time. Being a focused man, Bill was not as fun as Guiliana and I have to admit that he was strict. But the good part happened when they wanted to cook for their guests for dinner. They seemed to enjoy cooking together and that was the first successful project as a team.

That's what I called a compatibility. I'm yet to find that in my life;)

People have been asking me about what I really wanted in a guy. I just want that one particular word: Compatibility.

Someone to share my thoughts and say, "Tak betul tu," when I'm wrong. Someone who can capture my attention so that I will listen to him when he talks about something I don't know. Or perhaps something I already know - and he expand my knowledge by showing different things from different angles. Someone who is bright enough to challenge my mind. Someone who knows how to make me useful and intelligent.

I want to be like Bill and Guiliana.
I want to be like Karev and Izzie in Grey's Anatomy.
I want to be like Tom and Hannah in Maid of Honor.
I want to be like Maria and the captain in the Sound of Music.
I want to be like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice.
I want to be like my late grandparents!

They are compatible in their own ways.

Yet, people associate a relationship as "the game of hearts" and not "the game of minds".

So, is there any chance for me to find my Bill when I'm not as fine as Guiliana?
I have no idea, folks.

The only thing I know is that Allah has created partners for His servants.

Even Microsoft puts a Compatible Mode if you're using different types of Windows.
That reminds me of the report I need to submit today.

Blogging and Microsoft Excel are not compatible:P

Uh-no.

Here comes the love of my life again....

My job.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

sha: my lesbian partner


Best friends: Enya & Ann
Originally uploaded by Suemomo
I went out with him that morning. There were some hiccups in our plans and both of us were exhausted. We watched Avatar and enjoyed it but we slept for at least 15 minutes during Storm Warriors. So much for the movie marathon. We felt like an old couple;)

I coaxed him into watching Princess and the Frog with me but he fiercely declined my request. Well, what was I expecting? Princess? Frog? They were never in any man's vocabulary unless the man was a star in Queer Eye for a Straight Guy:P

"U? Frog? Habis? I princess?" his fair skin blushed like hell. Oh yeah...I liked the colour of his skin. I started to imagine how Orkid would've look like if she has him as her father.

"Tapi...tapi...Sha suka tengok kartun!" I made my not-so-cute-but-most-of-the-time-will-make-him-melt face.

"That look is not going to change my mind, honey," he chuckled and drove me home. He said he made plans to play tennis with his buddies. I said, go ahead.

****************************************************************

Later that evening. ,my best friend came to my house to sleep over. It was 11pm and she was thinking of midnight and KFC. With my parents consent, we went out to proceed with our plans.

Princess and the Frog was fun! Yes, I hate to admit that we watched the movie with small kids who laughed heartily throughout the whole show, but it was fun gileeeeeee!!!!

But I forgot about him. Uh-uh.

So, when he called me while I was still in the car and sounded disappointed, I just tried to be reasonable about things that I just did.

"So, she is going to sleep over?" he asked me.

"Yup."

"In your room?"

"Definitely."

"What...your lesbian partner ke?"

"Apasal cakap macam tu?"

"Nothing...just wondering why you guys....gals...have to sleep together..." he sounded serious.

"Have I ever asked you why you had to sleep with your mates in one room masa u kat RMC ke?"

"But that was different..." he drawled.

"She is my friend."

"Thinking that I said I didn't want to watch Princess and the Frog and this evening you're watching it with someone else."

"Is there any problem with that ke?"

"Taklah...lepas ni, if I kata tak boleh...will you go to someone else to give it to you?"

"You mean?"

"Lupakanlah...maybe we're just tired kan?"

Eh...eh...how easy it was to change topics kan?

And folks...this was where everything started.

* Boyfriend or Best friend?