Tuesday, November 06, 2012

your ink. my bawal.

Jason Isaacs as Captain Cook in Peter Pan

"You cakap nama you Allen?" I asked with a weird face. Of course it was weird; I was controlling this heavy thing in my chest. It was growing bigger and bigger. 

Okay. What were you thinking? I mentioned in my chest. Not on my chest :)

"You have your name with your customers. I have mine," he said calmly. 

"But mine was...what? Sasha and Sha were this gap," I showed him the space between my thumb and my forefinger.

"You ingat semua mat salleh ni reti sebut nama I ke, Cik Adik? Hello, open your mind. Get real. Nama Melayu ni susah nak sebut," his tone was cynical, I knew that.

"I like your real name better," I raised my eyebrows and stared at him. 

"Apa yang you tahu pasal nama I?" he asked.

"Sangat best. Sangat Melayu dan sangat you."

He chuckled and drawled, "Oh...come on..."

"Yang Memahami."

His cynicism stopped there. He looked at me with a sharp stare.

"You are underestimating me, love," I smiled and challenged his stare.

He frowned. I saw him rubbing the skin above his left wrist. Well, I knew that was the right time to ask. He was in a casual mood, he talked nicely, he was sober. Great timing.

"Ceritalah. I love art work," I smiled softly. I was wishing very hard that he grew soft on that.

"Nothing. This...was history. Just stuck here. On my body," he gave a bitter smile.

I laughed. He frowned deeper.

"Gelak..." he sighed.

"Your story was boring! I was expecting some ghetto stories or brawls in the middle," I grinned.

"Taklah gangster mana pon. This was something I got when I was...away...you know," he gritted his teeth and forced a smile.

"Something the other boys were getting too?"

He nodded.

"The whole team?"

"Nope. Not the whole team. Some refused, of course," he was opening up a bit.

"Korang ni macam Death Eater dalam Harry Potter. Lepas tu Dark Lord buat sign dekat awan. Fuuuhhhh..." I raised my hands in the air.

"Banyak sangat tengok movie la you nie, " he said.

"I love Jason Isaacs. He is like my dream guy. I know I sound stupid, but he is...a 'wooww' guy. Cuba you tengok mata dia bila pandang straight. Mata Yahudi. Fuuuhhh..." I made a dreamy face.

He laughed, "Jason Isaacs jahatlah. Mana pernah jadi baik. Yahudi pulak tu."

"Ada. Jason Isaacs ada jadi baik. Kan dia Clark Devlin  dalam The Tuxedo tu? Dalam Armageddon dia jadi saintis yang hot walaupun pakai glasses. Tapi paling best masa dia jadi Colonel William Tavington. Dia sembelih orang pon ada kelas! Masa dia berlakon jadi Lucius Malfoy pon smart. " I grinned.

He laughed.

"As usual. That was why you loved me so much, remember?" I raised my eyebrows again.

He frowned. Then he sighed.

"You have something in your mind. Okay. I'll stop talking, " I said. I knew it.

This was it. This was it. This was it.

"I dah lama tak balik...you know...and we just started to see each other...and this damn thing needs to be discussed." 

That. Was. A. Good. Start.

"Why do you have to discuss it with me?"
"You wanted to know, didn't you? It would be discussed, sooner or later."
"Should it be discussed in the first place, love? That was you past and I was not part of it."
"But it would stuck here and people would notice and we need  to give a damn answer. Bila sampai masa, apa I nak jawab, Sha? Apa you nak jawab?"

"You're underestimating me again, love," I was irritated. Aye, I was. But I had to keep calm. I knew that.

He let go of one deep breath.

"So, konon bila duduk dekat Scotland tak ada orang judgemental. Kat Malaysia ni adalah? Come on...those bloody Scottish were fucking racist too, aye? What a bloody shambles it was for me then."

Then he chuckled.

"You sound like me."
"Siapa ajar?"
"Okay. This is our problem, then. This is what we need to discuss."
"Oi...you want me to stop cursing, aye?" I grinned.
I raised a gesture of surrender,  "This will be stopped. Fine."
"And. That."

"I was a bloody mess. I don't need you to be damn understanding until you have to change the way you are thinking. This thing here...was...I don't know. Was it a mistake? Maybe. Is it a mess now? Aye, it is."

Death Eaters have snakes on their wrists. He got his shirt number there. Like navy in the movie. It was small, yet, it was apparent. Yet, to the culture, to the religion - it was a sin.

I was lying. It was not as if I felt neutral about it. He might be half Chinese with British education system running in his veins but I was still this typical Malay who had deep grass roots on Malaysian history. Nevertheless, should I be judgemental? Should I be like others who could not accept that this man in front of me went through the growing process which might be slightly different than a normal Malay boy in this whole damn continent?

"Malu?" I asked when he bent his head. He nodded.

"Ke takut sebenarnya?" Now...the tone of the voice was very important. He hated nagging females.


"Kenapa pulak? You were being very persistent before this, love."

"I've been thinking. I'm worried about you," he looked at me. I recognised the feeling when I looked back into his eyes. 

"About me or for me?"
"If you're worried about me, then go to hell," I said simply.

"You started this and you set the expectation, and you were still worrying about my perception towards you. Wow. Excellent!"
"I'm serious. I don't want an acceptance and then a rejection."
"In which manner should I tell you, that I care?"
"You never say it out loud!"

"Ini...kat lengan ni. Terima ke? You have been in silence for weeks." He sighed.

I knew it. I knew he would ask. It was not as if I ignored the fact. I knew he would need the time. I was serving it in a gold platter. We were both too different. We were both the eldest in the family. We were both temperamental. But our culture, despite the title "Melayu" on our identity cards, were like KLCC and Kampung Kerinchi.

"You...bukan Johny Depp. You Jason Isaacs," I stared him while I said that.

"Jangan mengarut," his voice was rough.

Johny Depp and Wynona Ryder
"Johny Depp ada tatu Wynona 4ever dekat lengan dia sebab dia couple dengan Wynona Ryder waktu tu. Lepas diorang break up, dia tukar jadi Wyno 4ever je. Of course, dia tak boleh padam semua, tapi...ada yang terpadam kan?" 

He nodded.

"Tapi sampai sekarang I cuba fahamkan. Kenapa orang gila sangat dengan Johny Depp. Sebab dia handsome? Atau sebab dia pandai berlakon? Tak ada siapa pedulikan tatu big crime dia ke? Kalau I jadi bini, sah-sahlah tak best nak mengusap tatu bernama perempuan lain. Kan?"

"Apa ni..."
"Melainkan you cakap, you buat ni sebab perempuan?"
"Tak!" the respond was immediate.
"Then, you're Jason Isaacs."
"Apa ni...cuba jangan cakap macam dalam wayang. Cik Adik, realiti ni Cik Adik."
"Recap balik apa I cakap pasal Jason Isaacs tadi, love."
"Yelah. I tau you suka dia. So?" 

I raised the eyebrows.

"What? I jahat macam Isaacs ke? Yahudi macam Isaacs?"
"Are you?"
"Then...you're Jason Isaacs. Find one common thing about you and him, love. Cepat," I urged.

"Jason Isaacs sembelih orang masa dia berlakon jadi Colonel William Tavington...was your dream guy..." then he stopped.

"He was...?"
"Your dream guy," he breathed softly and lit his Dunhill. 
"Tension ke?" I asked when he started to puff.
"God. You were awfully difficult to please!" he exclaimed.
"So there was God somewhere wasn't it?" I teased. That was the only way.

"Love, this thing here on your wrist is between you and Him. Ask Him, whether He is angry with you. Ask Him whether you should keep it. I'm just a human," I tried to make my voice as soothing as possible. I checked the temperature before I talked further. At the age of 23, I knew it was difficult to change the mind of of a guy who was 7 years elder than me.

He puffed. How could I deny that he was the one? I even felt comfortable with him and the smoke and the smell of his Dunhill Desire. I felt safe. I felt...loved. The word was strange but...hell, I felt it. He was capable. I knew it.

"There comes a point when you just love someone; not because they're good, bad, or anything really. You just love them the way they are."

He smiled then he nudged his elbow, "Are we an item now?"

"Not really."

"You said you were scared because you have tattoo and you were about to meet my parents. You said you were scared that I would not going to be able to accept you, our culture was different...yada...yada...yada...right?"

He nodded.

"I'm not asking you to take it off. I mean, it would be a very difficult situation and painful process. Aye?"

He was silent.

"I won't meddle in that. You asked me, frankly, I had no idea what to say. My name's Malay, the favourite food is petai and here, I am wearing a headgear."

"I don't care lah! Kan dah cakap? " Okay, now I sparked the anger.

"Hidup sekarang bukan macam dulu. Orang ni judge orang ni. Orang ni ada tattoo, yang pakai serban kutuk. Hah, yang awek pakai tudung bawal orang kutuk juga, tau? Jangan lupa," I had to say it. I had to say it. I had to!

"I tak tahu Burberry. I tak pergi shopping Harrods. The family's speaking in English but aye, they speak in Malay most of the time. I love Liverpool FC, but I'm  a middle class villager who goes to Paroi Stadium. I don't go to Old Trafford like you lot," I raised my eyebrows and gave a challenging look.

"Tod's," he pointed at my handbag.
"Damn you."
"Just making my point," he said as a matter of fact.

"Some people think that wearing tudung is a sin of the culture, love. Careful. We knew those people, okay. They might not say it directly, tapi budak pakai tudung kan stok-stok IPTA, stok-stok kampungan, bodek lecturer, tak reti converse in English, tak sporting atau sporty. Kan?"

"You je rasa?"

"Nay. Sama macam apa you rasa bila you ada tatu. You went against the religion. I went with it. Still kita sama-sama kena kutuk oleh golongan bertentangan kan?"

He puffed.

"Ini yang akan jadi kat kita. Both are coming from totally different direction. Siapa ubah siapa?" I was sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

"Kita kisah pasal orang ke pasal kita?" his voice. That voice. Shit. Hated it but loved it at the same time.

"Mana ada mamat macho ada tatu dengan awek tudung bawal?" 
I asked stubbornly.

"We'll be embarass together then. That will be more painful than removing this tattoo. Trust me," he said.

Before I managed to open my mouth...
"Dah beli tudung matching dengan Sommerset Bay baru you?"
"Belum lagi. The Understanding One."
"I beli kali ni," he said.

I wanted to object when he said, "Stop being too liberal and feminist. You're dating a Hitler."

I smirked and looked at the signboard. Borders. Without having to inform, he showed the way. My dream guy? In that sense, aye. In other ways? Well, love was strange. He was an antagonist in a movie.

"They will love you," he said with assurance.
"Someone is loving their son."
"Saya cinta anak Cikgu Kiah."

I smiled. Speechless. 
(Anak Cikgu Kiah cinta awak juga!)

That was how it started. 

Judgemental people until The Judgement Day :)


Len Inouie said...

Tatu... :)

My forbidden desire.

Sharian Zamrinor said...

Yosh...villain will always be cooler than the heroes

~ Cik Azz ~ said...

Kalau tudung bawal tu stok kampungan, tudung apa pulak stok bandaran...?

Tudung saji kott...

Kejap bukak, kejap tutup... :D

*Tudung bawal skang ni makin nipis kan Sha..?

kiera'sakura said...

hurm cinta yang berbeza adat dan budaya.. hurmmm

Allah tak melihat siapa dan macam mana seseorang tue berpakaian tapi Allah melihat taqwanya kan kak.

jadi kak, apa jadi dengan that mamat? ini cerita satu masa dlu kan?

zulhilmi tempoyak said...

tak paham sbnrnya...huhu

Dee said...

sha..k dee rasa tak sihat..so, apa yg sha tulis hari ni k dee tak faham sangat..tp kita human mmg takleh nak stop judging..camana pun..watak yg jahat kdg2 memang org suka..tu mcm si Budak Setan dalam LBS..hehehe..

hainom OKje said...

Bagi OKjekan Sha....kalau soal jodoh ni lebih senang kalau enggang dengan enggang dan pipit dengan pipit, kalau dalam bahasa bukunya 'sekufu'.....bukan hanya dari segi kewangan, latar belakang, kerjaya tapi dari segi semua....

Sebab tak semua pasangan ni mampu menerima latar belakang dan budaya pasangan yang berbeza walaupun kita sebangsa dan seislam .....

Rapunzeel Cikilolo said...

Tanya hati dan berusaha.

walaupun orang lain memberikan kepahitan tapi sesuatu yang paling berharga ialah senyumannya yang memberi kemanisan :)

Rasp said...

mulut org tak leh ditutup....
u know best and He knows it too...
doa kan yg terbaik je.....

so, how's the ending?

LydSunshine said...

Ini kisah cinta Sha ke? yang real punya? Masa tu muda lagi kan? So, skrg mcmn? Ada lagi ke? Orang yg sama ke yg teman belikan bra... ngehngeh. *yang itu je aku ingat.

So, jumpa tak dgn parent beliau? *ceh tetiba plak guna 'beliau'.

Drpd entry ni mmg nampak Sha sgt selesa berbual dgn dia. Ada byk benda nak sembang. Benda2 yg sama2 tahu dan sama2 boleh bincang. Kalau tidak cinta, mungkin boleh jadi soulmate. Soul mate tak semestinya bercinta.

*Tak penah perasan pun dgn Jason Isaac tu. Hehehe. Johnny Depp saya suka ye. Sorry sket... Suka sbb dia pandai berlakon. Watak dia biasanya semua pelik2. Dan kalau yang tak pelik pun dia boleh jadi watak tu tanpa kita teringat-ingat watak lama yg dia pernah berlakon. Tapi cuba kalau Apek senario... Jadi hero pun macam tu, jadi jahat pun macam tu, jadi watak kelakar lagi la macam tu. :D

Khalilah MNor said...

Sbb tu sy penah tersuka kat libra guy... *ia mmg sekadar horoscope,cuma kadang2 ada persamaan yang mungkin secara KEBETULAN* Bila baca conversation kt atas, mmg teringat kat sorg lelaki ni. Strong personality. Confident. Just like u. :)

Yg tak boleh lupa dia ada penah cakap kt sy, "Nak please kan semua org dlm satu masa mmg tak dapatlah. Tak perlu hirau sgt org2 yg suka nak down kan org lain. Kita fhm apa yg kita nak. Kita tau apa yg kita buat. Trust yourself, don't let people control u sangat..." Tentulah sekali bukan dgn melawan kehendak agama.

Hidup terlalu singkat sekadar untuk menyesali kesalahan yg lepas. Lakukan perubahan. Start a new life. Allah tau apa di hati kita...

#perempuan memang sgt cepat matang berbanding lelaki... :)

Remy hazza said...

hati kita , biarlah hati kita yg jaga......
yg penting jgn pandang luaran..... tgk dalaman sama..... sometimes...masa dan suasana merubah luaran...tapi jati diri takan berubah.....

boni kacak said...

adakah ini lelaki yang sama yang temankan awak beli bra tu??

mata yahudi tu macam mana awak??hahahaha

wantie said...

lumrah manusia bila nak judge oarang akan tengok dari pandangan luaran. sebab dia hanya mengetahui luaran dan belum selami dalaman pemilik tubuh itu.

secara automatik kita akan anggap orang yang bertatu tu jahat. Bukan sebab dia berperangai jahat. sebab dia dah langgar larangan agama kita.

Bukan keypo. tapi bila menyentuh tentang agama ianya menjadi satu tanggungjawab.

hmm... akak pun tak sanggup bila mengusap nama perempuan lain di badan suami. eeee....

boleh terima lagi kalau dia ada ex. tapi kalau dah terlekat kat tubuh mcm tu. tak sanggup!!!

Treatntrick Treat and Trick said...

Dah lumrah, kita akan tertarik dengan yang cantik saje tapi yang di dalam belum kita siasat....

Anonymous said...

I dont know whether it's a true story or fictional. Either way around it's an awesome love story, worth to be told & shared.

Syara Mohammad said...


Errr... Tak faham. Just read. >.<

Nizam.Ariff said...

anak cikgu kiah...

Kengkawan said...

stok cenggini nmpk cool masa muda, once dh msuk usia mid 30s, we wud owez pray for someone who can lead us to heaven..

i learnt from erra fazira. hikhik

Dinas Aldi said...

Mata Yahudi ehh. I always call them devilish eyes. Menggoda2. Kehkeh.

missSenget said...

bestnya boleh bincang mcm ni dgn partner..

kite selalu jumpa org yg tak suka berbincang..

btw, dia ni ke yg tolong pilihkn bra aritu tu..?

Aien Alien said...

manusia dengan mudah judge manusia lain dengan hanya melihat...kalau tak mulut, tu hati yang berkata-kata.

hidup dengan kata-kata orang ni penat....tapi selalu ingat pesan mak. "biarkan apa orang nak kata...tak jadi kudis pun!" selalu gelak2 bila mak cakap macam ni..hehe

#like tudung bawal :D haha

norhidana said...

aduh panjang nyer dik... fenin akak membaca nyer...

cume nyer manusia sampai bile2 pun akan sentiasa judge org lain

Cik Nurul Siezuka said...

Tudung bawal tak pernah ketinggalan zaman lah.. sentiasa ade jer org pakai.. tak kiralah org bandar ke org kg ker.. hehehe

wahida said...

tetiba rasa nak tgk armageddon balik...

4feet8 said...

sha, apacerita ink man sekarang..?

Kesuma Angsana said...

cinta jodoh & semuanyer telah ditentukan so just go with the flow lah ye

Jna marcello said...