Monday, December 03, 2012

cinta, bila hati berdetik

...as i dream of our love by .:Amanda Michelle:.
...as i dream of our love, a photo by .:Amanda Michelle:. on Flickr.

"Sha?"
"Hmmm."
"Kau ada boy friend?"
"Ada."
"Ada?!!!"
"Ada."
"Tak cerita pon."
"Buat apa?"
"Dia budak mana?"
"Sibuklah. Buat apa kau nak tau?"
"Ceritalah, Sha."
"Tak payah."
"Sha?"
"Hmmm."
"Kau panggil dia Cinta ye?"
"Haah."
"Romantiknya kau."
"Biasalah. Dah cinta."
"Kau cinta dia?"
"Sangat."
"Sampai mana?"
"Sampai aku sanggup ikut dia mana-mana."
"Sha?"
"Hmmmmmmm...apa lagi?!!!"
"Kau tak takut nak bercinta ye?"
"Tak."
"Bahaya, Sha."
"Cinta aku ni tak bahaya. Cuma sakitnya datang dari orang lain."
"Mak ayah kau ke?"
"Diorang galakkan."
"Habis."

Silent.

"Sha?"

Snore.



I have always believed that falling in love was one of the things which was hard, difficult and took time to develop. Sometimes I even wonder whether love was something that I was not capable of; knowing the level of commitment and sacrifice which I had to make. There were times when I described love as something far like the stars in the sky. Sometimes I thought that love was just shadows to be chased.

Either way, I knew that for the past few years of living in this world, I have tried to fly and chase. Falling and failing have been translated into stories in life; it was hurtful, colourful and vengeful - yet I still survive.

It was not as if that I have never been in love before. 
It was just that I felt that love was something not only meant to be for lovers. I have always been in love with my family. I was quite firm when it came to my love towards my job. But there were times when I wonder whether those were the only love I have ever known. 

Until one fine day when someone whom I considered a stranger told me:
"Come to AFF. You will have more to write! This time, it will be different."

I laughed. Frankly, I laughed so hard until I thought that I wanted to cry.

I have no issues of people calling me a paranoid. It was never easy for me to determine a gesture which was sincere or serious. My perception have always been so sceptical and cynical until I drew this virtual boundaries between myself and several people in this world. 

Being a woman was not easy. Football was considered as a game played by the male; regardless how many times the women played in World Cup or Olympics. Therefore, I rarely talked about it with those who only knew on how to belittle my thoughts.

Rather than being hurt, I would rather stay away. "Tak terhegeh-hegeh" was how the elderly put it in words.

So, when a man, whom I presumed as normal, suggested that I should go to the stadium and watch a football, I found it hilarious. I started to search for the signs of hidden agendas. I found several, but for some reason I ignored it.

I learned about this person by acknowledging the part that he was a good man despite what he claimed to be. Sometimes I wonder whether he realised that he got so much kindness in him that I begun to admire. Several times when I noticed that he tried too hard to be someone unfavourable to goodness without even sensing that he only showed his good character more and more.

Perhaps, that was the reason why it was difficult for me to let him go. I have always been approached nastily when it came to football. Aside from my brothers and best friends who understood about my passion on football, nobody ever told me to come to football matches. I have been bruised and tortured despite my knowledge about the game. I have been bullied with lack of facts and male ego. I have been threatened to let go of my passion.

So, despite the hidden agenda, as I presumed, there was no other reason for someone to ask me to got to a football match; moreover a tournament. But should I be negative all the way?

I let myself out of my shell and tried to get to know a person. I learned to be more open about football. I forced myself to cut down the ego by showing the real side of me - at least when it came to football. It has been hidden there somewhere. I let it go at home with my family; but never with someone else. Not since my best friend, Mr. Ketupat got married. 

But surprisingly, I did not even realised that I was technically cured. Each day, I looked forward to talk to him. When I felt that things were too full in my chest, I blurted it out. I remember there was a day when I felt that life was caving in and I nearly broke into tears due to uncontrollable anger. Someone actually yelled "Perempuan tak layak tengok tiket bola aku ni!" in front of everyone and made me looked like a fool.

I kept things bottled up inside until I talked to him. It felt like getting warm hugs from my brothers who were miles away from home. It was like having my parents' ignorance of other people's unconstructive comments. It was like having my best friend, Mr. Ketupat again in life - saying, "Aku kenal kau." When things went bad, it never occurred to me that a stranger made it all comfortable again.

But there was one thing that this stranger managed to do: 
He brought love back in my life.

Hola!!! Don't jump into conclusion folks! He might have that special spot in my heart right now but it was not what you think :)

The love that I was telling you was my Cinta - the name I called football when I was 13. 

That was when I was holding on to the belief that Liverpool would win a trophy one day. That was the time when Zami Mohd Noor was my greatest hero ever and I had his shrine in my room. That was when Pires became second name after Cheryna. That was when I learned that Gianluca Pagliuca was out of the reach. Most importantly, that was the time when my parents allowed me to be a teenage girl yet nurtured the love towards the game. As a young girl, I had never been stopped from watching a football match. I have never been criticised of having boobs and vagina, for football's sake!

Dear folks, I have forgotten the name Cinta until I met this person. 
I called football Cinta when my friends were busy with their boyfriends or crush. I had none. I was too busy breaking the hostel's rules and spent time with my best buddies. We never talked about any boys. So, when some girls talked about their boyfriend, I was having Zami's picture under my pillow and broke into the TV room to watch late news :)

So, you may want to guess the feeling that I have at this moment, folks.

Like a thirteen year old girl, I am currently in love again. With my Cinta. With the passion that I swore would never end. My heart beats faster, my adrenaline's pumping, my mouth smiling. I have forgotten that this love was what made me strong. That was when I was 13. At the age of 30, it is still there, getting stronger.

It takes a stranger to make you realise that you have been in love for a lifetime.
Love which is not necessarily to a human.
When you are in love, you care less about negativity.


p/s: Missing JLo concert was just fine :)


16 comments:

Dee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dee said...

well..well..k dee baru nak pikir that sha really in love..tp sha kata sha in love ngan football..tp lagi sekali..yg tu mmg dh lama tau..k dee yakin kali ni mesti dengan org yg ajak gi tgk AFF tu kan? hahaha..

4feet8 said...

mm.. kan bes kalau saya pun ada hobi yg tetap mcmtu..dari 13thn smpi sekarang. kagum. ^-^

nota tambahan: buku2 tak boleh jadi cinta saya sbb tak percayakan happy ending pada buku2 tersebut..

siti fatimah said...

yup. love to somebody is hard to describe. sebab di dalam cint itu ada banyak perasa. masam manis pahit kelat semuanya ada. bila di campur semua tu baru namanya cinta.

tak de semuanya manisssssss je kan.

cinta itu pekerjaan Allah. jadi tak payah di pertikaikan

Amanda Suria said...

im happy with you...semoga cinta kalian berpanjangan kekal hingga je akhir hayat...amin...

Remy hazza said...

oh chinta yg satu....... cinta di padang.......
chinta dihati..... gimana???? he3
moga kesemua chinta tu dapat disatukan nanti

kiera'sakura said...

cinta yang menyakitkan tapi tak pernah meninggalkan kesan luka kan kak. hihihi.

kak miss u sangat2!!!!!

d0tbl0gsp0td0tk0m said...

cinta pertama ..separuh mati...
cinta kedua.. berbelah bagi...
cinta ketiga... tak ber erti....

tak bercinta... terasa rugi...

kawal lah cinta dengan fikiran.. bukan perasaan.....

Len Inouie said...

cinta.. cinta.. cinta..

I will just wait & see.
Mana tau K.Dee tu betul?
heheheheheh...(amboi, lebar betul sengih aku)

Lady Windsor said...

Sha,
tell u what..
i fall in love everyday...

boni kacak said...

nape tak cakap? saya boleh je jadi boy tak rasmi awak untuk keluar ke sana sini.hahahaha.. gatal tak? hahahahaha..

adakah sebenarnya cinta pada bola atau cinta pada seseorang yang membawa awak ke stadium tu???

Rasp said...

hurmmm...cinta...ada mcm2 jenis cinta....
cinta monyet...
cinta palsu...
cinta sejati...dll
tapi cinta padaNya tetap yg paling 'indah' kan sis....

Aya Yus said...

Between 'love' and 'like'.. Ianya mengingatkan saya pd seseorang, dan membuatkan saya tersenyum lebar.

hainom OKje said...

Sha apabila sampai waktu nanti kita akan memerlukan cinta manusia, ye,..... kadangkala cinta kpd manusia ni cukup membebankan tapi percayalah seandainya kita berupaya menyelongkar cinta itu kita akan menemui kemanisannya!

Kesoma.rai said...

pelik kan bila orang rasa lelaki yg suka football itu masculine.. while pompuan nampak ganas bila suka football..dan ramai yg anggap kecintaan tu dibuat buat..tapi.. dulik kata orang..saya suka baca.. segala benda yg boleh dibaca saya baca.. hehehe..

saya jatuh cinta bacaan pertama dengan blog kak sha..

jelita said...

nice info